How to survive your police career

Modern-day problems & dilemmas for the elderly patrol sergeant

Modern-day problems & dilemmas for the elderly patrol sergeant

Actually, what DID I just say then on body-worn video when it was all getting a bit tasty there …?

Where’s the nearest piddle-stop when I’m out and about?

And why do assistance shouts always come in when I have a full bladder?

Have I got my reading glasses … prescription sunglasses … and those old glasses I always put on when going to a punch-up because I don’t want to get my decent glasses broken …?

“… What do you mean, you’ve never heard of The Professionals …? How could you have not heard of The Professionals …?”

Conversely, why do they always assume that I’ve never heard of such-and-such just because they’re a modern band? Ken Bruce was only playing them the other day on Radio 2 … I think it was them …?

“… Well, just a plain coffee if they do such a thing … is that possible …?” Actually, am I expected to buy the coffees?

Is my favourite sleep spot going to be free when I’m driving home after nights and need that fifteen-minute doze just to see me through? Thank God for rumble strips.

Can I honestly be arsed to start making alterations to this MG5 summary of evidence – making it sound less like it’s been translated from Norwegian … or Martian …? Because if, I do, I’m going to be here forever…

Who can I pick on to read out the intel briefing so that it’s them that gets mocked for the mispronunciation of all those complex foreign names of people doing naughty things?


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